Me, Myself and I?

Here I am laying in bed, tossing and turning fruitlessly try to gain something I have not had in a while, a sound sleep. So I decided to throw some of the thoughts filling my head on my blog in hope they will stay there and allow me to sleep.

Well the first thing I am going to talk about is in reference to my videoblog topic of “is anyone faithful anymore?” Well if I based my answer on what has happened in my life and the things I have seen, I would say no. Now is this due to the fact people care more about themselves than anyone else? Sadly I believe so. I am now slowly realizing that I am not being faithful to the person who matters the most in all of this, myself. I have tried to be accommodating to those in my life, I would bend over backwards for any of my friends and family and the people whom I care about the most, but at the expense of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I will always continue to be there for those I care about, but am realizing the way I did things before was not healthy for me. Out of fear of disappointing those who matter most in my life, I put my thoughts and feelings on the backburner and only hurt the person I am closest to, myself. I have allowed people to wrong me while keeping a smile on my face and pretending shit was ok, betraying myself in the process. And those days are quickly coming to an end if I will have anything to say about it. I’ve got enough stress and shit in my life to deal with as is, and if I continue to pile on problems I have with myself, I wont make it out a sane person, so enough is enough.

Maybe my problem is that I care too much about the others in my life, instead of worrying about myself. I guess what frustrates me the most, is when I am expected to do something I wouldn’t expect others to do myself. Because I would never ask someone to do something I would not do myself, but maybe I am the only one who feels this way? Who knows.

As I am now getting to the point in life, where all I have is myself I realize that if I don’t look after myself, no one else will, If I don’t stand up and fight for myself, no one else will. I have tried in my life to do things in a way that satisfy others as a first priority rather than worry about how this will affect me. And after nearly 22 years of people pleasing and getting nothing out of it, except for footprints all over my body and disappointment. Pardon my french but, fuck that bullshit, if I am going to be walked all over from now on, it will be by a very tiny Asian woman, giving me a massage.

All I know is that it is time for me to become a little egocentric, because someone needs to take care of me and it may as well be myself.

“I was young, I was surving the times, waiting for my moment, I was destined to shine.”      – Nas



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